My route to work from home includes driving on winding back roads and over a river before reaching the highway. I usually leave for work before it begins getting light, and today it was also raining with patches of fog. The road slopes down towards the river as it bends through a small valley, continues over a bridge, and then ascends the slightly inclined hill on the other side of the river, a few miles before reaching the highway. On my descent towards the river, the fog was thick and I could only see fuzzily about two feet in front of me. It was uncomfortable to drive in such conditions, but I was thankful that I was familiar with the road and no other cars were close behind me or coming from the other direction. I then had this realization that the discomfort was a familiar feeling, one that served as an undercurrent to my daily being.
I always feel like I am just blindly bumbling along through life. It is even worse than driving through thick fog because in life, we really cannot even see a foot in front of us. We really cannot see in front of us at all, but we trick ourselves into thinking that we can. We make predictions, but we really cannot see beyond the current moment. We can numb that feeling of unease by thinking we know what is coming or by insuring against unseen but predictable events.
And unlike my drive this morning, we have not driven this “road” of life before. While I have an idea of where the curves are on my route to work, I have never been on the path of my life until I am in the current moment. Also, unlike my drive to work, I am constantly surrounded by others who also have not been here previously or can see anything before them.
I think the unease of thinking about this stems from the realization of not having as much control as we think we have. For me, I know I want control, I want to know what is coming and where I am going, and I want to be in the driver’s seat of my life. I plan, I strategize my time, energy, and money to best plan out what I predict is ahead. I cling to things I feel will bring security to my life. But random events and failures have taught me that I really do not have much control in what happens.
As hard as it was, it taught me more than anything else ever has. I am slowly learning to loosen my grip on control and just allowing my life to happen, in other words, getting comfortable bumbling through thick fog.
(Image: fog at 6,000+ feet, mountains of Montana)
Nature is Sacred 